LYRICS TO 'SHUT UP, BE HAPPY!' by JELLO BIAFRA: We interrupt this program with a special bulletin: America is now under marshal law. All constitutional rights have been suspended.
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INT. BOILER ROOM - DAY
SETH (O.S.)
I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realize...
DR. JACOBS
I'm really busy, Seth.
Seth looks over towards Michael's office and sees Greg and
three other team leaders coming out.
SETH
I understand. I'm real busy here
myself, Doctor. Look, we're going to
come back to you in a month with one
idea and one idea only. If you like
what we have to say, great, we'll do
business. Worst case scenario you'll
hear yourself a new business idea.
Chat about it with your golfing buddies
and we'll part as friends. That's
fair, right?
A nurse is asking the Doctor a question and he loses focus.
DR. JACOBS
Ummm what?
SETH
Great. So tell me, Doc, are you
working with a million dollars in the
market right now?
DR. JACOBS
Who is this again?
SETH
Tell me something, you're a doctor.
Have you ever heard of a drug called
Fenamul? It's being manufactured by
MSC pharmaceuticals.
DR. JACOBS
No.
SETH
Well it's in the third stage of FDA
approval right now. Word is, it's
going to get approved in the next three
months. Could be tomorrow for all I
know. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of
myself. And you're real busy over
there. Why don't I send you out the
info you requested about the firm and a
senior broker will call you next month
with that one idea.
DR. JACOBS
Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second,
forget the info, let's talk about this
now. What was the name of the drug
again?
Seth begins to smile.
SETH
You know what, sir, let me pass you on
to a senior broker who's more involved
with this particular stock. Hold on a
second.
Seth pushes the hold button. He pauses and then YELLS:
SETH (CONT'D)
Reco!!
Everything and everyone in the room stops. There is a slight
pause and then CHAOS. About 20 brokers BOLT toward Seth.
Chris is closest. Another broker JUMPS onto the table
separating him from Seth and clambers over it. Chris puts on
the steam and gets there first. The other broker runs
straight into Seth, unable to stop.
Chris regains his composure wiping the smile off his face.
CHRIS
Card.
SETH
Okay, his name's Dr. Jacobs and from
the sound of it, I'd say he's
definitely...
CHRIS
Whoa, whoa, I don't wanna hear it, kid.
Chris grabs the card from his hand and looks at it briefly.
CHRIS (CONT'D)
Hi, Dr. Jacobs, this is Chris Marlin
over at JT Marlin.
DR. JACOBS
Marlin?
CHRIS
Right. He's my father.
Another broker connects a wire to a jack on the back of the
phone and the conversation is now heard on the PA system.
CHRIS (CONT'D)
So my associate tells me you're
interested in one of our stocks.
DR. JACOBS
Yes, MSC sounds like it might be
interesting.
CHRIS
Might be? Might be doesn't sell stock
at the rate MSC is going, Dr. Jacobs.
We're talking about very high volume
here.
DR. JACOBS
Well, I still have to run it by my
people.
CHRIS
That's great, Doc. If you want to miss
yet another opportunity here and go
watch your colleagues get rich doing
clinical trials, then don't buy a share
and hang up the phone.
DR. JACOBS
Well hold on a second. I didn't say
that. I just wanted to talk more about
it.
CHRIS
Honestly Doc, I don't have the time.
This stock is blowing up right now.
The whole firm is going nuts. Let me
open the door to my office.
Chris holds the phone up to the 100 brokers standing there
silently. They begin talking loudly and screaming "Buy,
Sell". Chris makes a hand motion and they stop.
CHRIS (CONT'D)
You hear that? That's my trading
floor, Doc.
Now I have a million calls to make to
other doctors who are already in the
know. I can't walk you through this
right now. I'm sorry.
Huge pause. Everyone looks on waiting to hear what he'll do.
Chris doesn't even look mildly concerned. Then...
DR. JACOBS
Okay, okay. Let's do this.
CHRIS
Now, since you're a new account I
cannot go any higher than two thousand
shares. I'd love to but I just can't
do it.
DR. JACOBS
Two thousand?! Whoa! That's way more
than I was thinking about. Two
thousand, Jesus.
(pause)
I'm just curious, why can't you sell me
more than that?
The brokers hold in their laughter.
CHRIS
Well, we like to establish a
relationship with our clients on
something small before we get to the
more serious trades. Let me show you
several percentage points on this small
trade and then we'll talk about doing
future business.
DR. JACOBS
That sounds good. Give me two thousand
shares.
CHRIS
Done.
DR. JACOBS
You sure you can't do any better on
this one?
CHRIS
No, I'm sorry, Dr. Jacobs.
DR. JACOBS
Alright, let's start with this trade
then.
CHRIS
Great. I promise we'll go big on the
next one.
(feigns masturbation)
Now do you want the confirmation sent
to your office or your mansion?
DR. JACOBS
(laughs)
Very funny, Mr. Marlin.
CHRIS
Alright, let me put my secretary on.
She'll take your info.
Chris hits the hold button and then...
CHRIS (CONT'D)
Done and done.
The entire firm applauds when he gets off the phone. The
crowd disperses. Chris sits down on Seth's desk.
INT. SENIOR EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The room has ten tables formally set that line a long wall of
floor to ceiling windows with a commanding view of the city
beyond. The room is empty except for JOHN TULD sitting at the
last table. TULD looks a little surprised to see SAM but
waves him down. SAM approaches.
JOHN TULD
Sam, please sit. Congratulations are
clearly in order.
SAM ROGERS
Our guys did what they could.
JOHN TULD
You did a hell of a job today, and I
thank you for it. Sit, excuse me for
eating but it's been a long day. Can I
get you anything?
SAM ROGERS
No, no thanks.
They just sit in silence for a long beat as TULD takes a few
more bites of his meal.
TULD
So what can I do for you?
SAM ROGERS
I want out.
TULD
I'm sorry?
SAM ROGERS
I'm done, I want out.
TULD
It's been a very difficult day, for
everyone.
SAM ROGERS
I need you to release my options, that is
if they're still worth anything after
today, and I need the bonus. I'm out.
TULD
You'll get the bonus, the options, and
keep your current base, but I need you to
stay with me for another 24 months. O.K?
They look at each other, SAM seems to know it's not actually
a question. SAM is a shell of himself as TULD takes another
hearty bite of his meal. He finally looks up.
TULD (cont'd)
For God's sake man put a smile on your
face, you did some good today, you said
so yourself. I'm starting to feel a
little better about this whole thing.
You're one of the luckiest guys in the
world, you could've been digging ditches
all these years...
SAM pushes back his chair, stands, and prepares to leave.
SAM ROGERS
That's true, and if I had been at least
there'd be some holes in the ground to
show for it. I'm just not quite sure how
we fucked this thing up so badly.
This pushes TULD a bit too far. He also senses he may be
losing SAM. He drops his fork, and his tone changes.
TULD
Jesus, when did you start feeling so
sorry for yourself, it's unbearable...
What, you think we may have helped put
some people out of business today? That
it's all just for naught? Well you've
been doing that everyday for almost forty
years Sam. And if all this is for naught
then so is everything else out there.
It's just money, it's made up, a piece of
paper with some pictures on it so we
don't all kill each other trying to get
something to eat. But it's not wrong and
it's certainly not any different today
than it's ever been. Ever. 1637, 1797,
1819, `37, `57,`84, 1901, `07, 1929, `37,
`73, and 1987... God damn did that
motherfucker fuck me up good, 92, 97,
2000, and whatever this is gonna be
called. They're just the same thing over
and over. We can't help ourselves, and
you and I can't control it, stop it, slow
it, or even ever so slightly alter it...
We just react... and we get paid well for
it if we're right... and get left by the
side of the road if we're wrong. There's
always been and there's always gonna be
the same percentage of winners and
losers, happy fucks and sad sacks, fat
pigs and starving dogs in this world...
yes there may be more of us today... but
the percentages... they always stay
exactly the same.
They stare at each other for a long beat and then TULD looks
down and takes another bite. He chews. He looks up again.
SAM ROGERS
I'll do it John, but not because of your
little speech, but because I need the
money. I'm not sure how it could possibly
be after all these years, but I need the
money.
GUSTAFSON OLDS GARAGE Jerry is sitting in his glassed-in salesman's cubicle just off the showroom floor. On the other side of his desk sit an irate customer and his wife.
CUSTOMERWe sat here right in this room and went over this and over this!
JERRYYah, but that TruCoat -
CUSTOMERI sat right here and said I didn't want no TruCoat!
JERRYYah, but I'm sayin', that TruCoat, you don't get it and you get oxidization problems. It'll cost you a heck of lot more'n five hunnert -
CUSTOMERYou're sittin' here, you're talkin' in circles! You're talkin' like we didn't go over this already!
JERRYYah, but this TruCoat -
CUSTOMERWe had us a deal here for nine- teen-five. You sat there and darned if you didn't tell me you'd get this car, these options, WITHOUT THE SEALANT, for nine- teen-five!
JERRYOkay, I'm not sayin' I didn't -
CUSTOMERYou called me twenty minutes ago and said you had it! Ready to make delivery, ya says! Come on down and get it! And here ya are and you're wastin' my time and you're wastin' my wife's time and I'm payin' nineteen-five for this vehicle here!
JERRYWell, okay, I'll talk to my boss...
He rises, and, as he leaves:
JERRY... See, they install that TruCoat at the factory, there's nothin' we can do, but I'll talk to my boss.
The couple watch him go to a nearby cubicle.
CUSTOMERThese guys here - these guys! It's always the same! It's always more! He's a liar!
WIFEPlease, dear.
CUSTOMERWe went over this and over this -
NEARBY CUBICLE Jerry sits perched on the desk of another salesman who is eating lunch as he watches a hockey game on a small portable TV. JERRYSo you're goin' to the Gophers on Sunday?
SALESMANYou bet.
JERRYYou wouldn't have an extra ticket there?
SALESMANThey're playin' the Buckeyes!
JERRYYah.
SALESMANYa kiddin'!
JERRY'S CUBICLE Jerry re-enters.
JERRYWell, he never done this before, but seein' as it's special circumstances and all, he says I can knock one hunnert off that TruCoat.
CUSTOMEROne hundred! You lied to me, Mr. Lundegaard. You're a bald-faced liar!
Jerry sits staring at his lap.
CUSTOMER... A fucking liar -
WIFEBucky, please!
Jerry mumbles into his lap:
JERRYOne hunnert's the best we can do here.
CUSTOMEROh, for Christ's sake, where's my goddamn checkbook. Let's get this over with.
